Perfectionism, Overthinking, and the Hidden Pressure to Always Get It Right
For many women in midlife, overthinking isn’t just an occasional occurrence—it’s a way of life. Every decision, from how to respond to an email to major life choices, can feel like a high-stakes situation that requires endless analysis. The underlying thought? I need to get this right.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Overthinking and perfectionism often go hand in hand, creating a cycle of self-doubt, indecision, and mental depletion. It’s not just about wanting things to be good—it’s about feeling like they have to be perfect. And that pressure? It didn’t come from nowhere.
Why We Overthink: The Connection to Perfectionism
Overthinking often starts as a way to feel in control. If we just think things through enough, we believe we can prevent problems, avoid mistakes, or prepare for every possible outcome. But the reality is, overthinking creates more stress, not less.
Perfectionism only fuels this cycle.
Perfectionism says, Mistakes aren’t an option. Overthinking says, Let’s run through every possible outcome to avoid a mistake. The result?
Decision fatigue: Even small choices feel overwhelming.
Self-doubt: The fear of being wrong makes it hard to trust yourself.
Emotional exhaustion: The constant mental processing is draining.
And for many women in midlife, these patterns have been reinforced for decades and are exacerbated by life space stressors and biological dysregulation associated with perimenopause and menopause.
Where Did This Come From?
Perfectionism and overthinking aren’t personality traits—they’re learned responses. And for many women, they started in childhood.
Family dynamics: Maybe you were praised for being “the responsible one” or felt pressure to earn love through achievement.
Cultural messaging: Women, especially Gen X, were told they could “have it all” but were still expected to handle everything at home, too.
Fear of judgment: If mistakes were met with criticism in childhood, it’s no surprise that overanalyzing became a way to avoid failure.
Over time, these influences shape how we think, making overthinking feel like a necessary strategy for avoiding failure, rejection, or disappointment.
How the Past Shows Up in the Present
Even if you’re not consciously thinking about these old messages, they still show up in everyday life:
Maybe you struggle to say no, even when you want to. You might replay conversations in your head, worrying about whether you said the “right” thing. Maybe you keep the peace in relationships, even when that means pushing your own needs aside.
One of the most common examples? Avoiding conflict.
If you grew up in a family where disagreement led to criticism or rejection, you may have learned that speaking up wasn’t safe. That belief doesn’t disappear in adulthood—it just gets repackaged. You may find yourself apologizing when you’ve done nothing wrong, staying silent to avoid tension, or feeling anxious anytime someone seems upset with you.
Or maybe it shows up in overworking. If you were praised for being “the responsible one” growing up, you may have internalized the idea that your value comes from what you do rather than who you are. That belief doesn’t just live in the past—it follows you into your career, relationships, and even your inner dialogue.
When you take a step back, you might start to see it: the patterns you feel stuck in today didn’t just appear out of nowhere.
How to Break the Overthinking Cycle
If overthinking has been your default setting for as long as you can remember, shifting out of it isn’t about just trying harder—it’s about approaching things differently.
1. Shift the Question, Shift the Outcome
Most overthinking happens because the brain is asking the wrong question. Instead of What’s the perfect choice?, ask:
What’s the choice I can live with? (Takes the pressure off finding the “right” answer.)
What would I tell a friend in this situation? (Helps bypass the overthinking loop and get to the heart of the issue.)
What’s my gut reaction before my brain talks me out of it? (Gives your intuition a fighting chance.)
Reframing the question forces your mind to stop spinning and actually answer.
2. Break the Pattern with a “Decision Audit”
Overthinking convinces you that this time is different—that this decision needs to be obsessed over. The truth? Most of our choices follow patterns.
Next time you’re stuck, ask yourself:
Have I overthought a decision like this before? (If so, what helped me move forward last time?)
What happened the last time I spent hours analyzing something? (Did the extra stress actually lead to a better outcome?)
If I made the ‘wrong’ choice, what’s the real consequence? (Would I be able to adjust, problem-solve, or learn from it if needed?)
Over time, you’ll notice that the things you stress over the most often turn out fine—and that’s powerful data to help you trust yourself.
3. Give Your Brain a Job (So It Stops Working Overtime)
Overthinking happens when the brain doesn’t feel finished—so it keeps running in the background. Instead of trying to shut it off, give it a job.
Set a “Decision Deadline.” Instead of endless debating, pick a cutoff time to make the call. (Example: “By 3 PM, I will decide and move on.”)
Write Down Your Answer. When you put your decision in writing, your brain registers it as “done,” reducing the urge to keep revisiting it.
Make a List of Three Options—Then Walk Away. If you’re struggling to decide, limit yourself to three choices, then step away for a bit. Giving your brain space often leads to clarity.
The goal isn’t to force yourself to decide faster—it’s to stop dragging out decisions that don’t need to take up so much of your mental energy.
Therapy Can Help You Break Free from Overthinking
If overthinking has been your way of coping for years, shifting out of it takes practice. Therapy helps by:
Identifying where overthinking stems from. Understanding why you do it makes it easier to change.
Teaching grounding techniques. These help regulate your nervous system so you can quiet anxious thoughts.
Helping you trust yourself. Therapy builds confidence in your ability to make choices without second-guessing.
Overthinking doesn’t protect you from stress—it creates more of it. And you don’t have to stay stuck in that cycle.
If you’re ready to stop overthinking and start feeling more at ease, therapy can help.
Contact me for a complimentary 30-minute consultation here.