Why Can’t I Just Relax? The Truth About Anxiety and Why Unwinding Feels Impossible
You know you need to relax. You’ve been told a thousand times: Just take a deep breath. Try yoga. Meditate. But when you finally have a quiet moment…your mind won’t stop. Your body feels restless. Even when nothing is wrong, it’s like your nervous system didn’t get the memo.
Why is it so hard to turn off? Why does anxiety make it feel impossible to actually relax?
The truth is, relaxation isn’t just about what you do—it’s about what your body and brain have been trained to expect.
If you’ve spent decades running on high alert—handling responsibilities, meeting expectations, anticipating what everyone else needs—your system isn’t wired for rest. It’s wired to be ready.
And that’s why the usual advice—“just slow down”—doesn’t help. Because anxiety doesn’t shut off just because you want it to.
But there are ways to help your nervous system shift—and they’re not what you typically hear.
Why Anxiety Makes Relaxation Feel Impossible
Most people assume that relaxation is a choice—like flipping a switch from stressed to calm. But for women who have been living in a state of anxiety for years (Does anxiety get worse in middle age?), it’s more like trying to stop a speeding train with sheer willpower.
Because here’s what’s really happening:
Your brain has been trained to stay on high alert. If stress, pressure, or expectations have always been a constant, your mind assumes this is how we survive.
Stillness feels unsafe. If your brain is used to anticipating problems, slowing down might feel unfamiliar—almost like something must be wrong.
Your nervous system gets stuck in “on” mode. Chronic anxiety keeps your body in a state of readiness, making it hard to physically shift into relaxation mode.
So when you sit down and try to unwind? Your brain doesn’t see that as peace—it sees it as a problem.
The good news? You don’t have to force relaxation. You just need to work with your nervous system instead of against it.
Forget “Just Relax”—Try This Instead
Most relaxation tips assume your brain is already ready to rest—but anxiety doesn’t work that way. Instead of forcing yourself to slow down, try these real strategies that work with your nervous system.
1. “Micro-Switching” for the Nervous System
If relaxation feels impossible, don’t jump straight into stillness—train your body to shift gradually.
Try this:
Clench your fists for five seconds, then release.
Tense your shoulders for a few seconds, then drop them.
Take a deep breath, then exhale with a sigh.
These small shifts help to engage your relaxation response in a way that is slow and easy, and is less likely to retrigger your anxiety to be on alert. It teaches your nervous system that it’s safe to let go, little by little.
2. The “Permission Pause”
Many women can’t relax because they feel guilty when they stop. The brain says: There’s still so much to do. You should be productive.
Instead of trying to force relaxation, give yourself permission for structured pauses.
Try this:
Set a five-minute limit where your only goal is to sit, stretch, or close your eyes.
Instead of thinking I should be doing something, remind yourself: This is allowed.
If you start to feel guilt, notice it—but try not to engage with it. It may take practice, but the more often you try it, the more it will feel “normal.” And if five minutes is too long, try 2 or 3 minutes. Over time, this will help “override” the resistance that says stopping is wrong.
3. Engage Your Senses with Focused Tasks
If your mind won’t stop spiraling, try to distract yourself by doing a task that engages your senses and requires a moderate amount of focus.
Try this:
Organize a small drawer or shelf (engages touch and sight).
Follow a simple recipe (engages smell, touch, and taste).
Do a crossword puzzle or Sudoku (engages sight and cognitive function).
This diverts your attention, because you can’t focus on feeling anxious and doing a task, and therefore shifts you away from anxiety.
4. Releasing the “Anticipation Cycle”
If anxiety keeps you mentally bracing for the next thing, your brain might not recognize when it’s actually okay to slow down.
Try this:
Notice when you’re waiting for the next stressor. (Are you scanning for what could go wrong?)
Ask yourself: Is there an actual problem right now?
Ground yourself in what’s happening now. Name five things you see, hear, or feel.
This helps break the habit of constantly anticipating stress so your brain can learn to pause by implementing mindfulness to help you stay in the present.
Why Therapy Helps You Retrain Your Nervous System
If anxiety has been dominating your life for years, it’s more than just a pattern—it’s a deeply ingrained response that can be challenging to shift alone. While these strategies offer immediate relief, therapy provides a structured environment to address the root causes of your anxiety.
Therapy isn’t about telling yourself to relax—it’s about helping your nervous system feel safe enough to actually do it.
Through therapy, you can:
Understand the underlying triggers of your persistent anxiety.
Develop personalized strategies to manage and reduce anxiety symptoms.
Learn how to create a sense of calm that actually lasts.
Because relaxation shouldn’t feel like a battle. It should feel like something you deserve.